The Art of Pew Naps

Ah come on as soon as you saw the title you remembered taking a few of those. Of course you need to first set the stage. Don’t ever go to the front of the church, you might have a preacher with a sense of humor who would enjoy pointing out the slumbering congregant. Never go to the very back of the church. It makes you an easy target for an over zealous usher. Try about the last 4 or 5 isles from the back and always sit on the ends. It makes it nice to lean on that arm and rest your eyes. Now your set, the worship music is over and Pastor Sleepease is heading for the pulpit. Ahhhh…you got those lightly tented sunglasses on and are ready for action. Take out a notebook and your bible and open them both, it throws off suspicion. Even if someone spots you dozing they think, oh poor fellow must have worked late and fell asleep while taking notes. Now the preaching begins. You are listening as best you can but ole slew foot has a bag of sleepy dust and he’s sprinkling it on you. You get one of those holy bobbing amen’s going for starters. You know, when you start to drift off and your head starts to roll back and you suddenly catch yourself and let out a little amen as if in agreement with the pastors message. This works pretty well until he says “Do you want to be condemned to hell for eternity?” You pop forward with a fake amen and suddenly your nap comes to an abrupt halt. It would seem half the church is looking at you. You awake in a bit of a daze trying to put together the events of the last five minutes and it hits you what he said. Time for damage control. You once again shake your head in the affirmative and let go of a hearty “That’s right Pastor you tell it like it is brother”. Nice save, the eyes of condemnation have shifted. You are safe again.. for the moment. Ok, now you HAVE to stay awake because now the eyes of the church are suspiciously watching you. Its time to break out the lifesavers hidden in your top pocket, a nice lively peppermint. You munch on them constantly looking at your watch. This brother has been preaching three hours and the lying watch says only twenty minutes. Think Think Think… ah haa that’s it. Its time for a trip to the facility. Now you can make that trip last fifteen to thirty minutes depending on what you had for breakfast. Down the hall, a nod or two to a couple of deacons as you pass by and there it is, the word Brethren etched neatly upon the door. No need to hurry plenty of time for business and an extended mirror grooming. Well that took 15 minutes but was it enough? As you approach the door to the sanctuary you hear Pastor Sleepease moving along to point number 3 of 10 in his notes. Oh man, I will never make it for another 7 points. Isn’t it funny how God has a sense of humor and helps us out with even the most difficult times? You are now seated, glasses in place, open note book and bible on your lap and the sand man starts a return engagement when suddenly your blood runs cold. Pastor Sleepease calls out your name. “ Brother (fill in your name here), I know you just went through this very situation didn’t you?” Ok, your brain is rebooting, you’re searching those sleepy cells for a recording of the last two minutes. What did he say, how can you answer this without showing you weren’t paying attention? Ok here goes, we will just use that generic response again and see what happens. You look at the pastor, smile nice and big and let lose with a hearty “Amen brother”, now you looking for those eyes surrounding you, was it the right answer? Did he just accuse you cheating on your taxes or removing money from the offering plate? You can hear the jeopardy theme music playing in the back ground. Nothing yet….nothing yet….EUREKA. He passed on to his next point and no one was the wiser. Now you’re on the final stretch, an altar call and closing prayer. You did it, you got in your nap and no one was the wiser for it. You pick up your belongings and head for the door. Pastor Sleepease is shaking hands and accepting compliments. He gets to you and firmly grasps your hand in both of his. You compliment him on a great sermon and he fires one across the bow. “Well thank you brother, which part did you like the best?” You freeze for a moment, think think think..ok lets try the generic again. It’s worked ok so far today.” Oh preacher you were right on target today, I loved it all and have my notes for future reference,” That sounds pretty good. You wait for the return serve, here it comes. “Well that pleases me my friend; I appreciate your conducting a sleep study.” Busted, thank God I didn’t snore. Have a great day.