Corporal Punishment was a General in Disguise

Good morning class, please take out your sense of humors and place them on the desk. Hopefully you will need them shortly. I have been thinking lately about corporal punishment. Now in my house it was not corporal punishment, it was GENERAL punishment and dad had the rank and weaponry to do it. Didn’t you just hate doing something wrong when you were a kid and hearing mom finally throwing up the white flag and utter those eight immortal words that make any Jedi quake in his light saber. “You just wait until your father gets home”, yep I definitely felt a disturbance in the force when she said that. “Now go to your room and wait for your father”, well alright. That means I have time to prepare for the battle. Time to reach into that dresser and put on another 4 pair of underwear. Time to break out that last months issue of Mad magazine and place it neatly inside my pants oh and for sure ditch the tight pants and put on a pair of long loose fitting trousers (remember when they used to call them trousers?). Ok… what else what else… oh yeah go and hide the really thick leather belts. Now in our house there was a belt that had a place of honor in dad’s closet. It was called…THE BOY SCOUT BELT. That was a betrayal in name already. Boy Scouts were a great organization, how can a part of scouting be turned to the dark side for pain and torture. No matter, I figured the whipping would'nt be any worse if he couldn’t find the treacherous belt. Well everything is in order now. Plenty of padding, hide the bad belt, long loose fitting pants, practice a couple blood curdling screams and I am ready for game time. Pop comes home and wouldn’t you know it, it was a bad day at the office and he has to vent. Great, I am the vent today. Well I am ready. He comes in; I am interrogated with a few questions and asked to assume the position. No trial, no jury, just guilty as charged. You know they are asking a lot when they say “bend over”. Excuse me, but I am not volunteering for a tighter target in the rear guard. I decide to give him a courtesy bend for one lick but then the game is on. Now dad had to clear the air about a false rumor right off the bat. “Son, I know you have heard it said this is going to hurt me worse than its going to hurt you, well that’s not true son, this is going to hurt you much worse” Of course that first whack brings out a scream but not too much. Don’t want to give away the tactics just yet. It has to be a scream of displeasure but not torture. Second lick, ok, move it up a notch and now for the squirming. He takes a shot here and there but with a little more caution which means there won’t be quite as much force being used. Time to drop a few promises in the mix. “I’m sorry daddy I wont do it again daddy” and so forth.
Those aren’t usually too effective because he knows I am saying anything to throw off his game. Here is the place you turn on the manufactured tears and let out the scream that makes the neighbors turn on the porch lights. Did you know that parents drop their IQ by 50 points while administering corporal punishment? It’s true, right at the peak you hear them say something profound like “now you had better hush up that crying before I give you something to really cry about”. Hey, what would that be, feeding me to the sharks? Was he not aware of what we were in this room for? Was not crying the purpose of the whipping? Have you ever had a whipping and decided not to cry? All that does is fuel the fire, gives them superhuman strength to keep firing that belt, it’s as if the goal is tears. Well I say give em what they asked for right up front but don’t make it too obvious. After all, whippings are an art form, not to be trifled with by the weak stomach or posterior. If you can’t ride the belt the crime’s not sincerely felt. Time out in the corner? What ever happened to let the sentence fit the crime? Gee I don’t think any of my siblings turned out to be child or wife beaters and four out of five were licensed ministers. I do however know a few time outers spending a little vacation time at Raiford Prison. Guess it wasn’t that bad after all was it? Have a great day.